Monday, October 29, 2001
Laur @ 8:42 PM
listening to "Beautiful Day" by U2
I grab your hand, "Come on!" The shimmering ocean and it's pale sand shores awaits us. "Okay!" you laugh and off we go. Running like no one in the world could stop us. Like two best friends. Two best friends. Sounds good to me. Music in our heads, we dance in the tide. My rolled up jeans dampen, your cargo pants shine a darker blue at the bottom. Sand on our feet, feel-good gritty that it is. Your shining eyes are just a mirror for the sun, smiling and laughing as you go. Can't we trap this moment in a box? Make it last forever? You grab my hands and we twirl around. The world's a blur. It makes me dizzy, a satisfied feeling of closeness mixed in with disorientation of my surroundings. Blink. We fall.
"What the hell are you kids doing here? Scram! Get back to your factory and ashes before I call the cops!"
The moment is over. Close the box, close it! What's happened to bright sunshine we had before? I look around. Close the box! Close it! You grab my arm. Close the box! Close it! "Come on!" your urge. I come to my senses. You pull me away, running. A different kind of running than before. The box opens back up and bounces into the waves. Gone forever.
Laur @ 8:29 PM
listening to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler
Your laughter ringing in my ears. Your laughter caused my tears. Did you never think I could feel; never think I could want? Sitting here, head buried, listen to your endless taunt. Fuck off, go away. What once shone bright now glints gray.
Laur @ 8:24 PM
[written on notebook paper somewhere between 10:00 and 11:00 AM]
listening to people's History presentations
Your curious eyes are locked into a gaze. Are you looking at me or looking past me? A hand on my shoulder. I look up. "What are you staring at?" he askes. I turn back around. Your eyes are on the floor.
Sunday, October 28, 2001
Laur @ 10:07 PM
listening to "Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven
If I close my eyes will it go away? Will everything disappear? If I can't see you will you be gone? Can I erase the past by pretending it never happened? Can I stop time by throwing my watch into the ocean? If everyone covers their ears will I have a good voice? If my report card reads '100' does that mean I'm smart? If I close my mouth will everyone stop yelling at me?
Saturday, October 27, 2001
Laur @ 11:00 PM
listening to "Believe" by Cher
This tin roof
We sit under every day
Staring straight ahead
What are we waiting for?
Not talking
Not blinking
Are we even breathing?
Why don't you glance over here at me and I'll
Glance over at you?
We can glance and stare and watch each other forever with
No sense of anyone or anything
But no, still we
Sit here and
Wait for something we aren't even sure is coming.
Wednesday, October 24, 2001
Laur @ 9:21 PM
listening to "Shimmer" by Fuel
"'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world
Is sure to fade away
Again"
Laur @ 9:18 PM
listening to "I'm Real" by Jennifer Lopez and JaRule
Lights off. Blinds down. Two drinks on the coffee table. Remote control on the arm of the couch. Sitting down, staring at the television. Not too close, not too far apart. Awkwardness as the two charcters on the TV screen begin making out. I dismiss it with a roll of my eyes. I feel your eyes on me. I turn to look at you. You turn your head to the TV, and then back to me. Confusion as to what you're trying to say without speaking. You repeat the gesture. No sign of any emotion on your face. What are you getting at? It's too much. I speak:
"What?"
Your eyes bug out a little and you repeat the gesture. Cluelessness.
"WHAT?"
Finally, words escape your lips.
"You're a girl."
"And...?"
"And I'm a guy."
"And...?"
Eyes bug out even more. Hinting at something. Something that I either don't get or don't want to say. Guessing the latter:
"Okay."
You move in quickly. Feels like forever. Brush the hair out of my face. Run your fingers down my cheek. My hands reaching to your back. Arms around you. Arms around me. Closing eyes. Lips meeting lips. Tongue meeting tongue. Strangers to each other. Explore. Eyes open. Stare. Retreat. Over. Quickly shuffle to seperate ends of the couch. Stare at TV. Not even a glance at each other. Far and yet... so close.
Monday, October 22, 2001
Laur @ 10:12 PM
listening to "It Must've Been Love" by Roxette
I run away. Why don't you run after me? Running, running, running, why don't you follow? Come and catch me, you know I'm not that fast. Why don't you care?
A weeping star; it's tears drift through eternity until one day they reach us and raindrops bunjee jump into our lives. When wind sways our decisions and jack-in-the-box pops up to bite you on the ass. The sun reflects your kindness and the moon is why you fell. Where are you now? A book's pages left unturned, a song halfway sung and then press 'stop'. Time whispers in your ear and you know what you should do. But will you carry through? The sky did not show up today, now you must run with the wind. Leaves fallen from their trees, a candle is calling your name in the middle of the night. Do you know what you want? It was something... but it's over now.
Friday, October 19, 2001
Laur @ 9:12 PM
listening to "Origin of Love" by Hedwig and the Angry Inch
The instant message came as a major surprise:
Uthorns88: Hey
I was excited.
Uthorns88:oh wait, sry, wrng person.
I wanted to die.
Uthorns88: lauren is that you?
I wondered what to say.
DancingCandle21: hi matt
Uthorns88: hey, what's up
Ummm....
DancingCandle21: not much, I was wondering...
Uthorns88: gtg, sry. bye
And that was it.
Thursday, October 18, 2001
Laur @ 5:53 PM
listening to "It Must've Been Love" by Roxette
"You know I'm here if you need me."
You're such a liar. You wouldn't be there if I needed you. I need you now, but you're oblivious. I need you to tell me you love me. Not like marriage-love, but friend-love. I need you to tell me that I'm beautiful. I need you to tell me I'm nice. I need you to tell me it's going to be ok. I need you to tell me I'm a good friend. I need you to hug. I need you to talk to. I need you to listen. I need you to comfort. I need your comforting arms around me because nobody loves me. I need you to call me up and see if I'm alright. I need you to leave your group at lunch to sit with me. I need you to come to me on your own. I need you...
"Thanks. I'm fine though."
Looks like you're not the only liar out there.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
Laur @ 9:52 PM
listening to "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone" by Paula Cole
There was a sort of numbness inside me as I said hello to him.
"Hey," he answered back.
But with that, he had turned himself back around and was walking with her. Her. I hated her. I could not stand her. And you could tell that she was enjoying it, too. There was a smug air about her. Oh, how I hated her. Or maybe I was just jealous. This could be, yes. Something in my thoughts was nagging at me, but I refused to conciously acknowledge what it was. But it kept nagging as I stood there in the doorway and watched them leave the building. Perhaps I was afraid. Yes. I was very afraid. If someone like her can snag a guy like him, then there had to be something wrong with me. There just had to be. Something that I could not see. As far as I knew, I wasn't THAT ugly, and I certainly wasn't a mean person. What could it be? People streamed by me on both sides as I stood there, lost in my thoughts. Thoughts I didn't want to think. I spotted Loic and jumped at my chance to abandon them.
"Hey Loic."
"Oh, hello Lauren."
He held out a bag of chips to me, accompanied by
"I'm not hungry, you can have 'em."
I took the chips in my hand. And then threw my arms around him to give him a hug.
"...."
He hugged me back gently.
"...."
I let go.
"What was that for?"
he questioned
"you don't usually hug people."
"It's good to hug when you're sad."
"Why are you sad?"
Wouldn't it sound stupid to him? To anyone, yes, it would, anyone who had never felt the same. The unlovedness, the feeling that there's something wrong with you, the self-hate, the... everything being wrong from your perspective.
"Nothing. I don't want to tell you."
"Why...?"
I don't let him finish. I would end up answering. Everyone's opinion of me is low enough. I don't need to be a pitiful pessimist with petty problems taken way too seriously. There's not point. Off I run. To nowhere.
Laur @ 5:33 PM
listening to "High and Dry" by Radiohead
"So, *you* asked *her* out?"
He looked at me, eyes a little less than wide, and nodded.
"Monday night? Did you call her?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Well, it's not like he got his magic carpet and flew to her house to ask her..."
"I know that, I was just... asking..."
Something inside of me is breaking. Something inside of me that I believe was already frayed and was hanging by the last thread has now just broken away. I feel the natural tears in my eyes and bend over, attempting a fake laugh. They laugh with me; it must have worked.
"Everyone's already been making bets."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah."
I hear this and am ready to sit back up, after quickly drying my eyes on my black hooded jacket, the jacket that smells like rubber duckies and the song "Two of Us" by the Beatles.
"How long are they betting?"
"I dunno, they wouldn't say."
Already this is reminding me of Joey/Kate. I want to cry and am finding it hard not to.
"Oh..kay."
No one asks what is wrong. Clara knows. Loic and Brian= either too blind to notice or don't care. At this point, my bet is on the latter.
Monday, October 15, 2001
Laur @ 6:14 PM
listening to 'Only the Lonely' by Motel
This 'love thing,
I've tried it before.
It comes from every direction and
Crashes into you before you even know what is happening.
From everywhere, I'm serious.
From the
Mind,
TV,
Movies,
Books,
Memories,
Beanie Babies,
Music,
Influence,
Tears,
Dreams,
Wishing,
Hopes,
Promises,
Snoopy,
Hallmark,
Help,
Miscommunication,
Candy,
Cards,
Gossip,
Notes,
Whisper,
Projects,
School,
Native Americans,
Walking,
4-square,
Truth or Dare,
Running,
Laughter,
Friends,
Bus rides,
Pretending,
Research,
CDs,
Soccer,
Softball,
Cheering,
Bathrooms,
Book Reports,
Longing,
Fantasizing,
Writing,
Jealousy, and
Pencil Sharpeners.
You can't see it coming, it's just
There
Before you can even think about what you would do if
Suddenly you fell in love.
Some people make the right decisions.
Others, the wrong.
But you won't know until it's too late.
And then there's no turning back.
Don't turn your back on love.
It's the most painful,heart wrenching thing that will
Ever happen to you.
And the best.
Sunday, October 14, 2001
Laur @ 7:53 PM
listening to "Let Into Top" from Gundam Wing (Wufei character song^ ^)
"No one was talking out there!" yelled Coach Haley.
'What the fuck? Excuse me, but Allie and I were yelling our asses off out there!' thought Lauren
"Our pitcher is doing a WONDERFUL job, but our defense is TERRIBLE!" yelled Coach Haley
'The pitcher is the one who walked those three people to load the bases, and then let the fourth batter hit the ball as a *pop fly* into the hole in the out field! And I worked my ass off out there trying to cover the bases and get people out while your wonderful pitcher let there be passed balls!' thought Lauren
"You've all dug yourselves into a hole, now dig yourselves out of it!" yelled Coach Haley
'Fuck you!' thought Lauren
When Lauren arrived back in the dugout, Joey was crouching over by the side, waiting for her. "What's up, why do you look so pissed? You did great out there, trying to get all those base runners out." "Ah, Haley just keeps praising the pitcher and telling the rest of us that we suck." "Well, she's stupid then. That Laura Masch girl walked three people in a row, and you almost got those people out." "Yeah, I know." "Don't worry about it. *I* think you're doing great." "Thanks." "Don't thank me, you're doing all the work. You're almost up to bat, go get a homerun." "I don't think I can. I'm not that great a hitter, ya know..." "Yes you can. Do it for me. Hit me a homerun." Lauren grins as she puts on her helmet and grabs her bat. "Ohkay Joey." And with that she is out 'on deck', waiting her turn to bat as she watches Laura get a lucky base hit. Meanwhile, out on the bleachers:
Loic: What'd she say?
Joey: She said that Haley was giving them all a hard time again.
Loic: No, not that, didn't you ask her..?
Joey:Oh... um, no.
Loic: [rolls his eyes] I didn't think you would.
Joey: I will eventually.
Loic: Uh-huh, sure you will...
Joey: I will!
Loic: You'd better. Because if Owen, that French-bashing bastard, can work up the courage to ask Clara out and you're too wimpy to ask out Lauren, then I don't know what.
Joey: I will, ohkay? Be quiet so I can watch her hit.
Loic: [shakes head] I swear, I don't understand you people...
Saturday, October 13, 2001
Laur @ 3:30 PM
listening to "Stay" by Lisa Loeb
Outside the window the trees were swaying, constantly being lit up by the lightning. The lightning had started out a distant turquoise that had lit up the sky. It had then progressed to a light blue that lit up the backyard. Now it was a blinding white that lit up the room. Lauren felt like she was in an old, broken down club with the lights flickering on and off and the music skipping ever so often, its sounds ranging from loud and short to quiet and long with the rain as its steady beat in the background. It reminded her of the scene in "Strangers on a Train" when Bruno was killing Miriam and the sickly ironic happy carnival music was playing in the background. She expected something bad to happen, but wasn't sure of what it was, when it was going to happen, to whom, where it would take place, or how. It was terrible anticipation and for once, she was actually scared. This wasn't like Arend coming up behind her and clamping his hand down on her head, this wasn't like Erica walking around with a demonic smile on her face; this was really freaky. Attempting to rid her head of the thoughts and images that were causing her to feel discontent, Lauren shook her head several times and hugged her Teddy Bear close. Who said that teenagers don't need Teddy Bears?
"Are you okay?"
She jumped, nearly having a heart attack.
"Hey, calm down. It's alright."
sorry to leave y'all in suspense, but that's where it ends. can't guess who the person was? too bad :p
Friday, October 12, 2001
Laur @ 10:22 PM
listening to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler
At the end of the table, Lauren was avidly talking to Joey. I looked under the table, and, as I suspected, their feet were resting comfortably on top of each other. Arend was at the very end of the table, engrossed in dirtying Lauren's metal Snoopy lunchbox. I smiled, seeing as how Lauren was oblivious to this because she was staring into Joey's eyes as he spoke. "Um, Clara?" I looked up, amazed that the owner of the voice even knew my name. The Micky Dolenz lookalike had an unmistakable voice, so adorable, just like himself. "Yeah?" I always wish I could say something more intelligent around him. Owen is an intellectual guy, and I'd like to one day actually have an intellectual conversation with him. His eyes darted around the table for a split second and then he said, in a quiet, shy voice that I had never heard, "Clara, would you go out with me?" I blinked. "What?!" I was quiet as I exclaimed this in a hushed voice. Perhaps I had heard him wrong. Owen looked paniked. His hands were nervously twirling around the clear plastic spoon that Lauren had given him along with her canned peaches. "Um, I, would you go out with me?" I had heard him correctly. Now I was speechless. I didn't even really think very much. Just stared at him. It must have been a while that I sat in silence, because he quickly said, "No, never mind. Forget I ever said it." "No!" I exclaimed quickly, "I was just... surprised. I can't think, I need to think, think about, you know, thinking is good, yah..." I was babbling like an idiot. Owen's adorable smile appeared on his face, "Alright." He glanced at his hands, still holding the spoon. "Want it?" he offered. I grinned.
note: this is for my friend, whether or not she wanted it, here it is.
Sunday, October 07, 2001
Laur @ 4:12 PM
listening to "Can You Dig It" by the Monkees
There was a dreamy mist falling from the gloomy sky, and the clouds threatened rain. A slight breeze rustled the leaves that were browning for autumn. The leaves never colored themselves red, orange, or yellow in Lauren's area of Texas. Austin wasn't exactly what you would call nature's coloring book.
Thursday, October 04, 2001
Laur @ 6:39 AM
listening to "Too Much Rain Over Paradise" by ?
A raindrop hit her on the head, causing her to look up at the sky. "What're you looking at?" he questioned, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Oh.. it's raining." Her muddy brown eyes continued staring upwards until a raindrop fell into her eye. Then she averted her eyes from the canvas of a sky to the rest of her surroundings. The vending machine, most likely broken, was glowing due to the light it had in it for when it was cloudy.
Wednesday, October 03, 2001
Laur @ 10:11 PM
listening to "Things Have Changed" by Bob Dylan
The look in his eyes said "hug me." But the words that came out of his mouth: "I'm ohkay, I'm fine." There was an aching inside me. 'Touch him. His shoulder at least. Show him you care.' Gods, my brain and my heart thinking the same thing... it must be the right thing to do. But he says he's fine. Oh look at him, he's not. I felt his hand on my shoulder suddenly. My eyes shot upward, forcing his face into view. "I'm ohkay Lauren." His voice was so convincing, though I could see through them. Such an innocent voice he had. Such pure eyes.
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
Laur @ 9:13 PM
listening to "Blow Your Mind" by Eve and Gwen Stefani
"You know, you're not entirely errorless," he said, tapping me on the shoulder. I grinned my devious grin. He knew that look all too well. "I'm serious, Lauren, you could get caught this time..." "Nah, stop worryin'. I'm the ultimate escape artist." I should have seen the genuine worry in his eyes, it was so obvious in those multi-colored orbs. But I'm a stubborn one, I am. "Don't. You could get shot before they catch you anyway. Just, stay here with the rest of us." I shook my head. "I'm going to latch myself onto you!" he exclaimed, desperately doing what he could to keep me where I was. But within two seconds, I had brushed him off and was on my way down the stairs, a careless teenager throwing myself in the midst of was thinking I could make a difference.
Monday, October 01, 2001
Laur @ 10:15 PM
listening to "Cruel Angel Thesis" from Neon Genesis Evangelion
I'm running barefoot through a moonlit field of tall grass. It brushes against my bare legs as I pass, my skirt is too short to even be dress code abiding. There are probably a million ant piles that I have disturbed on my path to nowhere, and probably double that amount of ants defending themselves on my bare ankles. But I don't care. I keep on running, fueled by the wanting deep inside me to get away. It is then I hear the voice. "Lauren..." it echoes softly, smoothly caressing my skin just as the breeze that makes a dancer of my long brown hair. There is a gnawing going on inside of me, telling me to stop; to call back to the voice. No, I must run, run away, I tell myself, forcing my legs to move faster over the earth. "Lauren..." it calls out to me, finding it's way to my ears and to my heart. No... keep on running, orders my brain. Stop, let him find you, yell back to him, my heart is persuading me, inching its way towards being successful as every second passes. My hormones are fighting with eachother and different kinds of inexplainable pain are forced upon me with each stab they take at eachother, threatening to swallow me whole. RUN! My brain is winning over my heart, my legs work overtime as I try to escape what my brain knows I should and my heart feels I shouldn't. "Lauren..." the voice is growing fainter, a barely audible speck in the distance. I can rest now, my brain assures me. So I collapse onto the grass as it sways in the wind, now softly tapping my face to a song I cannot hear.
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