Friday, November 30, 2001
Laur @ 9:30 PM
listening to "High and Dry" by Radiohead
How can I be sure to remember if I've already begun to forget?
Wednesday, November 28, 2001
Laur @ 7:43 AM
listening to people typing
So cold in your eyes, so cold outside. Where is the warmth?
Tuesday, November 27, 2001
Laur @ 10:02 PM
listening to "Ironic" by Alanis Morisette
I remember the sound of your voice and every word you said.
"Lauren, let's wear our orange windsuits tomorrow".
"Hey, Lauren, come play 4-square."
"Trav, get Lauren out. Prove that you don't like her."
"Did you get that last note?"
"Stop passing this to Beezer, he keeps reading it."
"Did you get in trouble?"
"Can I come to your softball game?"
"I'll warm you up pitching, if that's all right with you."
"I'll come see you over Thanksgiving, on my bike or something."
"Why aren't you talking to me?"
"I voted for you and Jennifer."
"Do your book report next!"
"Can I be your math partner?"
"Yeah, me and Taylor got new bats."
"If you get her out, I'll get you out."
"You're on Safetly Patrol?"
"I pick Lauren first."
"I like Sarah Peterman."
"Why? Because she's nice, pretty, and smart."
"That's my uncle's motercycle."
"So you like this song, but you don't know who sings it?"
"You're out, buddy."
"Go away, Webber."
"Do you like Trav?"
"yeah, I remember Andrew."
There's so much more. And I remember it all. I remember our every conversation. The good ones that made me feel special. The bad ones that made me want to cry. I remember the songs I wrote. The lyrics of other songs that I linked to myself and my life. I remember the way you smelled. The way your room looked. I remember the feeling I had whenever you were talking to me. Whenever you wrote my name on a piece of paper. Whenever you mentioned me to somebody else. I remember how you picked me first for kick ball all the time. How you protected me in 4-sqaure. Even from your best friend. I remember each Valentine's Day. I remember everything. Everything.
And I remember how you beagn to drift away. I remember how the notes we had once so dilligently and intensely passed became scarcer and scarcer. I remember how your love faded to like and how your like faded to a little. A little of what? You never did say. I remember my last attempts to get you back. I remember my failure. I remember the little glimmers of hope that I got ever so often. And I remember how they disappeared as quickly as an ice cube in the sun. I remember giving up but still holding on just the same.
And I know it was 4th and 5th and 6th grade. So what? It still means the world to me. No one seems to get that. They laugh and run razors through my heart. Well, Matt Goertz, this entry is dedicated to you because a dear friend of mine has just reminded me how life can suck so much, but there is always SOMETHING good. You were that.
Saturday, November 24, 2001
Laur @ 7:03 PM
listening to "Yours Forever" by John Cougar Mellencamp
Teardrops wiped away by the soothing yellow blanket. So tacky yet so stylish. Stylish in the comfort department. But aren't there only more to come? A waterfall of teardrops and there is only one yellow blanket. Where can you find another? It is one of a kind but only temporary. Why do you bring it out if it will only be taken away? Only causing more teardrops, falling in a constant stream that breaks through the yellow blanket dam. Or did the dam just disappear?
Friday, November 23, 2001
Laur @ 10:06 PM
listening to "Holler" by the Spice Girls
"Stars, I have seen them fall,
But when they drop and die
No star is lost at all
From all the star-sown sky."
-A.E. Houseman
Thursday, November 22, 2001
Laur @ 6:04 PM
listening to "There You'll Be" by Faith Hill
Go on, you know you want to. Don't let this drag on forever. You know what you want, I know what you want, let's just end it right here. Why can't we just end it right here? I close my eyes, awaiting the words that need to be said.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
Those weren't them.
Laur @ 3:05 AM
listening to Alex talking
Why do you always only tell people what they want to hear? Why don't you just tell them the truth?!
Monday, November 19, 2001
Laur @ 7:11 PM
listening to "Tear Me Down" by Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I would love to be flying way up in the sky or imagination, but I would much rather be standing on the realistic ground with you. Being real.
Friday, November 16, 2001
Laur @ 2:45 PM
listening to the light chatter of my English class
Time is slipping through my fingers and I cannot grasp it. No clocks, no watches, no sundials, no anythings can slow it down or speed it up.
Laur @ 2:37 PM
listening to the silence of my English classroom
Have you ever walked down an empty street at the darkest of night? The only lights are that from the occasional street lamp, every store is closed, and you carry no flashlight. There is no one around, everyone is either asleep in thier homes or unconscious from being intoxicated. You share your little world only with the black/blue sky... and you cannot tell whether it is more black or more blue. You trod along the once black, now greying, street, ignoring the perfectly capable sidewalks. There are no houses, only the one room apartments above the clubs and stores. The cool night wind whips your hair around your face and forces you to tuck it back behind your ears. Your black trenchcoat wavers in the breeze, the same breeze that would be giving you shivers had you no jacket. A glass bottle is lying solitary on the ground, just begging to be kicked along. It is recognizably a soda bottle, rare on this street famous to the town for it's wide variety of alcholic beverages. The wind is becoming slightly stronger, and you fit your brown hat more tightly around your head. With the wind, a sudden carefree attitude has come over you, and you begin to whistle a mellow tune as you kick the bottle with your left shoe. Glancing upwards, there are no clouds visable, or perhaps there are so many you cannot tell the difference between the clouds and the sky itself. Where are you headed? Nowhere, only to wherever the mood takes you, however long the bottle accompanies you, however long the darkness and emptiness lasts. There is no sense of direction, no feelings, no thoughts. Just walking. Like dust in the wind, you feel as though your feet are taking you wherever they wish, and you have no choice in the matter. And you do not try to fight this, you are happy to be without the need of decision-making. But the moment a single human being enters your tiny world... it is ruined.
Tuesday, November 13, 2001
Laur @ 9:26 PM
listening to "Sayonara" by Gackt
there's a window into your soul that beckons me to witness the treasures within and I want to look and I want to stare and be amazed but then there are the demons all around you that are trapping your unique starlight and blocking my vision. why won't they go away?
Laur @ 9:24 PM
listening to "My Little Runaway" by Del Shannon
Keep on walking.
That's right.
Keep going.
Don't look back.
Don't turn around.
Goodbye.
Sunday, November 11, 2001
Laur @ 3:34 PM
listening to "Only the Lonely" by Motel
She rakes the leaves, completely unaware of the pair of eyes that are watching her every move. The leaves are brown cardboard fallen from the trees of clay. Twigs snap under her non-corporation shoes, and the wind blows her dark hair around in a delightful dance. And across the street, two houses down, he watches. He watches, and he wishes, he longs for what will never be his. What he had once grasped, but had let it slip through his fingers like dirt from a softball field.
Saturday, November 10, 2001
Laur @ 10:13 PM
listening to "Bad Day" by Fuel
I felt invisible. As everyone else paraded around, I half lay/half sat sprawled out on the couch by the window. Forgotten. Ignored. Something like that. Since when did I develop a natural invisibility cloak? My thoughts meander restlessly through my ocean of a mind, the same ocean that I like to swim in often through my daydreams. The same ocean that swallows me whole whenever I stop caring and let it. The same ocean that I drown in and no one comes to save me. As clear as the Caribbean, yet as dark and murky as the Gulf of Mexico, my mind was a place for all thoughts, daydreams, hopes, wishes, complaints, worries, and imagination. I look up to the cieling with my muddy brown eyes, then close them in a sign of giving up. What's the use of staying in my conscious if no one there will acknowledge my presence? In my ears are the song that's been stuck in my head all day, all week, and in previous months before:
"Can't look in her eyes; she's out of my league."
With it's misty feeling, my imagination combines with this song and begins to form a gloomy little daydream of water droplets. I don't see. I don't hear. I don't sense anything real. Then, from out of nowhere, a real feeling; a feeling of warmth and caring, it dives into the ocean and pulls me out. I open my eyes. There you are, beside me, a beautiful raindrop from the dark, threatening cloud of our group. You don't speak, and you don't have to. Your eyes give away the fact that you care, you care enough to wonder why I'm sitting here all alone whilst everyone else is marching aroud as if they owned the world. Your hand is on my shoulder, and though there is plenty of room on the couch for you to scoot over, you are right up next to me. So comforting to know I'm an important part of someone's world. A flicker of a grin crosses your face. It's as if you can read my mind, decipher my ocean. I smile back, and you grab my hand, pulling me towards the group.
"Come on, let's go dance in the rain!"
Friday, November 09, 2001
Laur @ 5:00 PM
listening to "Butterfly" by Weezer
Please say it's not just your niceness that's keeping you by my side. Please tell me I'm not replaceable and stand by it. Please hold me when I need to be held. Please listen when I speak. Please let me cry onto your shoulder. Please remind me that you'll be there when I need you. Please... don't leave me... Stay my friend, don't leave my side. I need you, I need you, I need you. What will I... what can I do without you here with me? I treasure you more than you will ever know. Don't go away...
Tuesday, November 06, 2001
Laur @ 6:08 PM
listening to "Where is My Mind" by Placebo
Sitting in a room
Not alone because you're surrounded by nothingness at least
Not in a crowd because the crowd is elsewhere
Look around
Past the door and outside
Up the stairs and further in
No one nowhere for no reason
The radio is on and you hear that song that's been stuck in your head all day
Then suddenly the phone rings and it's your best friend; he got your message
Out of nowhere your dog starts barking
The doorbell sounds
And then, conveinantly, the electricity goes out
Sunday, November 04, 2001
Laur @ 12:18 PM
listening to "Believe" by Cher
"Well, I've had time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you."
Her small hands reached for the spray paint.
"I don't need you anymore
No, I don't need you anymore."
Onto the window. Hatred out of the bottle. Sprayed onto the window. Letting it all out. He'll have a fit when he sees it. Good.
"I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough"
He opens the front door and walks to his car. He glances at it. And screams. Screams in frustration and in tears. Crumples to the ground, crying for his mommy to come and shine it up again.
"Do you believe in life after love?"
She fixes herself breakfast, satisfied.
Saturday, November 03, 2001
Laur @ 9:22 PM
listening to "Far Off Dawn" Zechs character song
Your silent voice drifts up to my deaf ears. Do you hear me? Love lost and found from the sky and to the ground, bring it home to hang up on your wall. Message in a bottle blank with tears and waves, find it and read it for English class. Pillow fighting with your best friend; sounds nice doesn't it? Write a letter for a friend and get an email in return. Who's against who? When something's nothing and nothing's something, you know you're somewhere. Nowhere.
Laur @ 9:16 PM
listening to "Take Off to the Sky" Heero song from Blind Target
I close my eyes to make the image disappear
Make it disappear
I cover my ears to make the noises stop
Make them stop
I stay awake to keep the dream away
Make it stay away
You fake a smile and tell a lie
It takes a while and I wonder why
"It's gonna be okay"
Then why do you go away?
Open the window switch on the light
Turn on the music leave off the fan
Let me ask you a question
Come back if you can
Love me leave me
Do it all over again
"It's gonna be okay"
Friday, November 02, 2001
Laur @ 9:58 PM
listening to "Emotions" by the BeeGees
"Where are we going?"
"Look in the camera."
"What are we doing?"
"Look in the camera."
"Who are you?"
"Look in the camera. The answers are all in the camera."
"Who are you?"
CLICK
Laur @ 4:20 PM
listening to "Photograph" by Weezer
Write it down on the piece of paper. Everything'll be alright, so long as you write it down on the piece of paper. Yes, write it down, good. But why are you yelling? NO! Don't do it, DON'T... rip it up... NO! Why did you tear it? You tore it in half, right down the middle! How could you? What will I do now?
|
|
|